Love

Oh Everything really is a double edged sword right now, things are a little shitty, understatement lol. 

But I've got my gorgeous girlfriend.

It's every cliche to a maximum really, but she genuinely is the most beautiful woman that I have ever set eyes on.

I'm so lucky.

I just think wow.

It's like she gets me, she doesn't just listen to what I say, she really gets it, and gets me.

That's a treasure, one I imagine doesn't come along often.

Anti depressants are so atypical and generic, that frankly a prescription of them is as good as a little pot of magic fairy dust, perhaps I could pick one up from a local raimbow?

Ooh, there's a thought.

Normality has been resumed and the White cloud of confusion has once again returned. I'm so pleased.

I'd rather the White dreamy confusion that the black fog, at least the confusion leaves endless conclusions, black has its limitations.

Mainly an infinite ending.

Shit get deep for 2:30am.

Peace out bitches.

Misery

I feel so miserable today, like so ill.

Want to tell my lovely girlfriend but I pussy out, typed a long essay to her and couldn't send it like ah!

40 calories yesterday and feeling so ill I can't sleep, was gonna eat this morning but weighed myself and lost again so not doing that.

Just feel so fucking ugly and worthless, like if I eat something bad will happen.

I'm not worthy of the food.

Small small small less less less

Mental tho

I swear I am actually mental like batshit crazy, literally 440 calories today, and was sick anyways.

I actually feel so ill right now, like shaky, dizzy, confused.

All I want to do is get high high higher.

Fly high above the rest of them.

Those fuxking scales had better go down tomorrow or I will seriously be pissed off at myself. 

Got a new purge marker of jelly tho, so I know when all the foods up.

Quick four-cheese pizza

     Servings: 4

Quick four-cheese pizza

Prep: 10 mins

Bake: 35 mins

 

• Calories 322
  16%
   

  Ingredients

  • 1 medium onion, peeled and cut into quarters
  • 2 cloves garlic, crushed
  • 300g tomato passata
  • Pinch Italian seasoning
  • 1 large ready-made pizza base
  • 1 fresh red chilli, sliced
  • 50g ricotta cheese
  • 20g Gorgonzola cheese
  • 30g low-fat mature cheese, grated
  • 2 tsps Parmesan, grated
  • a few basil leaves, shredded

  • Method

    1. Preheat the oven to 200°C/400°F/Gas Mark 6. Place the onion, garlic, passata and Italian seasoning in a blender and grind coarsely.
    2. Place the pizza base on a non-stick baking tray. Spoon the tomato mixture over leaving a border around the edge. Scatter with the sliced chilli and cover with all the cheeses. Bake near the top of the oven for 20 minutes.
    3. Just before serving scatter with shredded basil. Serve hot with a tossed salad.
     

  
  Source: http://www.goodtoknow.co.uk/recipes/531805/quick-four-cheese-pizza#Blsl1oUOVPm5TvFc.99

   
   

Rosemary Conley's chicken Kiev and chips

Rosemary Conley's chicken Kiev and chips 

Prep: 10 mins

Bake: 30 min

Servings: 4

• Calories 339
  17%
• Fat 3.7g
  5%

 

Ingredients

• 4 skinless chicken breasts
• 20g low-fat spread
• 2 garlic cloves, crushed
• 1 tbsp finely chopped chives
• 1 egg, beaten
• 4 tbsps granary breadcrumbs
• salt and black pepper

For the chips

• 200g potatoes, cut into fine chips
• 1 vegetable stock cube
• low-cal spray oil

Method

1. Preheat the oven to 200°C/400°F/Gas Mark 6. Place each chicken breast on a chopping board and slice through the centre to make a pocket.
2. Mix together the low-fat spread, garlic and chives and season with salt and pepper. Spoon the mixture into the pocket of each chicken breast.
3. Dip the chicken in the beaten egg, and then in the breadcrumbs and place on a non-stick baking tray. Bake in the oven for 25-30 minutes until cooked through.
4. Cook the potatoes in boiling water with the stock cube for 2-3 minutes. Drain and place on a baking tray.
5. Spray lightly with oil and bake in the oven for 20 minutes (you can cook them with the chicken).
6. Serve the chicken and chips hot with vegetables

Source: http://www.goodtoknow.co.uk/recipes/531798/rosemary-conley-s-chicken-kiev-and-chips#rT8O7khbzpbuL4Qy.99

Weight Watchers cheese and bacon gnocchi bake

Weight Watchers cheese and bacon gnocchi bake 
Prep : 45 mins
Bake : 20 mins
Servings: 2

• Calories 392
  20%
  
  
  
  

  Ingredients

  • 175g floury potatoes such as Desiree, peeled and chopped
  • 40g self-raising flour, plus 1 tablespoon for dusting
  • 1 tsp dried thyme
  • 1 garlic clove, crushed

  For the sauce
  

  • 15g low-fat spread
  • 15g flour
  • 1 tsp mustard powder
  • 300ml skimmed milk
  • A handful of young spinach leaves, washed
  • 50g reduced-fat Cheddar cheese, grated
  • 2 x 25g unsmoked back bacon rashers, chopped into pieces

  
  
  

  Method

  1. Bring a large lidded saucepan of water to the boil, add the potatoes, cover and simmer for 10–15 minutes until tender. Drain and mash. Mix in the flour, thyme and garlic and set aside.
  2. Bring another saucepan of water to the boil. Dust a work surface with the 1 tablespoon of flour and shape the mashed potatoes into long, thin sausages, about 2.5 cm (1 inch) in diameter. Cut off 2.5 cm (1 inch) lengths. Resting the gnocchi on your finger, press the prongs of a fork down on one side. Add the gnocchi to the boiling water and cook in batches for 2–3 minutes until they rise to the surface. Use a slotted spoon to remove to an ovenproof dish.
  3. Preheat the oven to 190°C/375°F/Gas Mark 5. Melt the low-fat spread in a small saucepan and then stir in the flour and mustard powder. Cook gently for a minute and then remove from the heat. Add the milk a bit at a time, beating the mixture to a smooth sauce each time. Add the spinach and half the cheese.
  4. Spoon the sauce over the gnocchi, sprinkle over the remaining cheese and scatter over the bacon. Place on a baking tray and bake for 20 minutes.

  
  Read more at http://www.goodtoknow.co.uk/recipes/531799/weight-watchers-cheese-and-bacon-gnocchi-bake#IV9Re4mSIBz45CX0.99

  
  
  
  Source:  http://www.goodtoknow.co.uk/recipes/531799/weight-watchers-cheese-and-bacon-gnocchi-bake#IV9Re4mSIBz45CX0.99

  

Rosemary Conley's pork and pepper fajitas

 

 

Rosemary Conley's pork and pepper fajitas

Prep : 5 mins  Bake: 20 mins

Servings: 4

• Calories276
  14%
   
• Fat11.3g
  16%
   

  Ingredients

  • 225g lean pork fillet, cut into strips
  • 1 garlic clove, crushed
  • 1 red and 1 green pepper, seeded and sliced
  • 1 red onion, sliced
  • 2tbsp fajita seasoning
  • 2tbsp chopped fresh chives
  • Juice of 1 lime
  • 8 cherry tomatoes, halved
  • Salt and freshly ground black pepper

  To serve:
  

  • • 4 flat round tortilla breads
    • 2 tbsps low-fat yogurt

    
    
    

    Method

    1. In a preheated non-stick wok, dry-fry the pork and garlic until sealed. Season with salt and black pepper.
    2. Add the red and green peppers, red onion and fajita seasoning and cook for 2-3 minutes.
    3. Add the chives, lime juice and cherry tomatoes. Mix well and serve with warmed tortilla breads and low-fat yogurt, plus a mixed salad.

    
    

    
    

  
  
  Source:  http://www.goodtoknow.co.uk/recipes/534971/rosemary-conley-s-pork-and-pepper-fajitas#d7Iem3s5dp8XkA3M.99 
  

 

Fish & Chips

Healthy fish & chips with tartare sauce

Prep: 5 mins

Bake: 40 mins

 Servings: 2

kcalories

373

protein

35g

carbs

41g

fat

9g

saturates

1g

fibre

3g

sugar

0g

salt

          0.96g

 

 Ingredients:

• 450g potatoes, peeled and cut into chips
• 1 tbsp olive oil, plus a little extra for brushing
• 2 white fish fillets about 140g/5oz each
• grated zest and juice 1 lemon
• small handful of parsley leaves, chopped
• 1 tbsp capers, chopped
• 2 heaped tbsp 0% Greek yogurt
• lemon wedge, to serve

Method

1. Heat oven to 200C/fan 180C/gas 6. Toss chips in oil. Spread over a baking sheet in an even layer, bake for 40 mins until browned and crisp. Put the fish in a shallow dish, brush lightly with oil, salt and pepper. Sprinkle with half the lemon juice, bake for 12-15 mins. After 10 mins sprinkle over a little parsley and lemon zest to finish cooking.
2. Meanwhile, mix the capers, yogurt, remaining parsley and lemon juice together, set aside and season if you wish. To serve, divide the chips between plates, lift the fish onto the plates and serve with a spoonful of yogurt mix.

 
Source: http://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/1500/healthy-fish-and-chips-with-tartare-sauce

Healthy Egg & Chips
Prep : 10 mins
Bake : 30 mins
Servings: 4

Nutrition per serving

kcalories

218

protein

11g

carbs

22g

fat

10g

saturates

2g

fibre

2g

sugar

1g

salt

0.24g

Ingredients:

• 500g potatoes, diced
• 2 shallots, sliced
• 1 tbsp olive oil
• 2 tsp dried crushed oregano or 1 tsp fresh leaves
• 200g small mushrooms
• 4 eggs

Method

1. Heat oven to 200C/fan 180C/gas 6. Tip the potatoes and shallots into a large, non-stick roasting tin, drizzle with the oil, sprinkle over the oregano, then mix everything together well. Bake for 15 mins, add the mushrooms, then cook for a further 10 mins until the potatoes are browned and tender.
2. Make four gaps in the vegetables and crack an egg into each space. Return to the oven for 3-4 mins or until the eggs are cooked to your liking.

Source : http://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/5588/healthy-egg-and-chips

Woooopwoooop

Woop.
Lived here for 3 weeks now, it's OK, a little lonely in the daytime though.
I literally have so much self-hatred rn, it is insane.
Control.
Control.
Control.

That's secretly the fuel on the hatefire.
The ULTIMATE.

All we seek.

I can't control anything anymore.

And it is so fucked because I am in such a happy relationship.
I mean, i actually love her.
She treats me like an absolute princess, awh I literally have the best time with her.
Like my life is so foggy rn, and shes the light at the end.
Couldn't imagine my weirdo life without her. <3

I'm losing weight again.

Feel so ill typing this, been awake most of the night with stomach pains.
That's my stomach starting to close again.

Not kept a meal down in a week, literally not kept a single bit of food down.
22 pounds i've lost since we moved here.

Fucking love it.

Making me feel so ill and miserable and in pain, but at the same time it's so addictive, i crave it.

Ohh it has been a while.
It's insane, life is so uppety crickety jumpety jump right now.

The thick black smog is approaching, slowly smothering me, inhaling through my mouth, my nose, it's creeping in.

My ears, my eyes, every nook, every cranny, every way it can it invades me.

Until you look in my eyes and the lights are on, but nobody's home.

Just that blank look i have, my eyes glazed.

No fight.


No.


No.

I could pretend I have someone, anyone to talk to, to nurse it better, chase my demons away.
But why?

That would be lying.

Do I really want that to be another FUCKED attribute about me?

I just want to curl up, lock myself away and cry, cry a rivers of tears, and then drown in my own sorrow.

Fuckkkk, the higher you climb, the harder the fall.

Failure.

I am an absolute failure at everything, and olanzapine is piling on the fucking weight. Grrr.

SCRAPBOOK

I think I'm going to get a scrapbook and start making a big scrapbook of my poetry.
Fuck it.
Why not?

Sad emily today. :(